seems like standalone mode (a-la N75 or 'never falling in love' mode) is not really suitable for me. i'm going to test it for another week or so and then see if i was right this time.
ok what do i need from a relationship anyway? i rarely have problems with sex so let's look into other aspects.
i've got people who value me as a musician, people who believe I'm strong and courageous, and people who can feed me when i'm hungry and hug me when i'm sad.
i'm standing on my own two feet better now, and the situations around me reveal it. take all these people coming to me and wanting me to be their friend or a piece of advice from me. people keep looking at me on subway, old friends suddenly started flirting with me and so on.
jumping from the train of thought, suddenly it occurs to me that i have to be more open. trusting people more. that requires being slower in reaction, trying to detect old unsuitable patterns and generally seeing the situation with a fresh eye. i guess what i need now is to follow those simple directions. good night!