this will be a tale about Patience that has no patience. actually, the original character had no patience either. i really liked this pun. since i bought a normal tablet today i'm going to download all Abnett's stuff into it and really dig into it.

i write in english because it happens to be the language i talk to myself in. i feel more comfortable persuading myself to do something or to become something when i use english words. i write songs in english for the same reason. perhaps my english is not so good but it's perfect for me when i feel bad/stupid/dismal, oh, especially dismal, it's such a universal russian word. dismal shit, that's what it is.

when i started all this parkour thing, it led me to thinking about my body. i'm totally at odds with it because when it hurts i also start behaving inadequately. when my muscles hurt i start to imagine that i cannot function, too. but i am not just body, right? otherwise i woudn't be able to heal people or feel what's going on around me or whatever. consequently, i think that time is coming when i have to learn how to do things without using my body. for example, lucid dreaming that involves generating ideas and talking to people (getting my dose of publicity) while my body is healing itself, safely asleep.

today i went to the dentist. a stupid wisdom tooth is coming out and trying to destroy my gums and another molar. first the eye, then the tooth! and muscles, always them muscles. all this makes me pay attention to my stupid fucking body, it makes me spend time on the procedures instead of spending it on something of more interest, like music.

i feel disappointed. i would say that i feel 'cleft apart' because i really like the word 'cleft', but it's not exactly so. there is a lyric in a song by Ihsahn called 'monolith' that says 'there is a fundamental cleft between your world and mine, one of divine origin'. sounds pretty selfish, but that is how i feel at times. for instance, people are telling me that i am their close friend and treat me like it! do you know, people, you're putting a huge responsibility on me? seriously, you are fucking crazy! please leave me in my closet. jesus h. christ, i'm finally mastering solitude.

btw, N75 also likes to say 'jesus h. christ'. i often discover such little similarities in us and then go real bonkers. bonkers is such a cool word, too.